Power. Lots, and lots of power I felt this morning. I felt my heart beating strong and powerful in my chest, the adrenaline coursing through my veins. My breathing strong and deep. My muscles all coiled and ready. Ready to fight, ready to destroy and tear through this being standing right in front of me. This person who dared to wake me from my blissful sleep and then actually trying to taunt and defy me. I would not have it. So, I felt alive, enjoying this surge of power and loving the fear I could see, smell, feel in the person in front of me.
But when that moment passed, my hunger for dominance, power and the pain of others gone, the only thing that was left in me was the terrible feeling of shame, betrayal, and disappointment. Disappointment for the actions I had just taken and the state I had just gone into. Betrayal to myself and the person I love the most, both of whom I promised I would catch the urge to do this and stop it before something like this would happen. And above all: shame. Shame for the fact I actually loved this primal state of rage and power. The shame of public failure is nothing compared to this feeling of shame.
Why feel shame if I, in fact, actually loved this feeling of power and rage over and towards others? Because deep in my soul I know how fundamentally wrong this is and feels. Deep inside me I feel the need to help others cure their pain, not cause it. With all my heart I want everyone to feel happy and loved. Within my soul, all that I want is to bring love, light and happiness into this world.
The positive side to all of this: I was actually aware of what I felt during this primal state of fight or flight (I do notice that I almost always choose to fight). I was very much aware of how much I loved the feeling of power and rage, the pain I was causing the other. I feel like now that I have very vividly felt both sides of the coin, the hunger for power and the shame that followed, I can now more effectively deal with these situations. And above all, I have now something I can work on.
Now I will be able to actually shed light on those parts of me inside myself. With, probably, a lot of pain and effort, but also with a lot of light and love I will be able to use this situation to transform myself. It will also take some help of my family, and most of all from my amazing, supportive, and loving girlfriend. These two quotes probably best describe what I have just realized.
I also know now what needs to be done. I have to personally, and sincerely apologize to my little brother for what I have done. This apology will have to come from the deepest part of heart, without expecting anything in return. Just the loving intention to apologize for my actions and asking forgiveness for it, even though, I might not either deserve or get it. This will be the thing I have to do first, not only for my brother but also for myself.
Whenever you have a choice of love and healing or hate and destruction, choose love, of course. But if you just so happen to make a mistake (I know, who even makes those, right!? It’s not like we are all humans!), forgive yourself and realize you always have a second opportunity to make the right choice and spread love again into the world. And above all, learn from your mistakes, it is okay to make them, just learn from them. Then, spread the love.